Skinny soul

Stop.

Just stop.
Don't cry.
Your tears will make your soul tear apart.

Don't cry.
You will never be able to stop.
You must be strong.

"You are so brave!"

You're not...
You're weak and you're crying inside.
You can't stop.
You can't show how much it hurts.
You just hide.
Just hide.

They say: "It will pass!"
But that little voice is asking:

"When???"

The scar is still there.
Staring back at you.
It has teeth, sharp teeth.
It's not you that you see in the mirror.

Your head is bald.
Your eyes are dead.
Your smile is hanging dead on your face.
You can't recognize this skinny soul.
Is it you?!

"You can't cry!
You're brave!"

Shut up!
Just shut up!

"You might die."

You can't.
Your not ready.
You're too young.

They say:"Such a shame.."
They tell you:"You're so pretty..."

You are a "sweet child".
The nurses call you a "sweet child".

You're 28.
You're not a child anymore.

Your bald head, your dead smile and your eyes are saying:
Save me!
I can't do this!
I can't do this anymore!
Just make it stop!

My soul wants out.
My soul is looking to escape.

I can't make it stop!
It hurts too much..
It's not fair...
My life can't end like this.

I'm brave.

Just smile.
Smile God dammit!

You can do this.
YOU CAN DO THIS!

Stop.

Despre durere

Sunt confuza.
Nu prea stiu cum sa ma port.
Am multa frustrare si durere adunata.
Pentru drama mea, pentru drama colectiva la care am asistat cu totii.

Eu nu am putut iesi in strada.
Nu m-au tinut picioarele.

As fi vrut sa fac ceva.
Sa ma simt utila cumva.

De aici si frustrarea adunata picatura cu picatura.

Nu mai pot sa mai citesc nimic legat de Colectiv.
Ma umple de durere.

Si am atat de multa durere adunata.
Sunt un abces gata sa sparga.

Sunt o egoista.
Cu totii suntem intr-un fel.
Vrem sa ne protejam cumva, si poate e si normal.

Mi-am promis ca atunci cand voi fi bine voi ajuta.
Si lucrurul asta ma ajuta cumva.
Dar stiu ca nu e de ajuns.

Avem nevoie sa ajutam acum.

Ma inchid in mine.

Pentru ca nu stiu ce altceva sa fac.
Daca as da drumul urletului de durere stiu ca nu m-as mai opri din plans.

Pentru mine, pentru mortii care s-au dus.
Si nu pot permite asta.
M-as distruge.

Si nu cred ca as putea sa ma cladesc din nou din cioburile ramase.
Sunt deja prea franta ca sa mai cad iar, iar si iar.

Mi-e dor de zilele in care radeam cu totii.

De momentele acelea de liniste.
De momentele in care drumul la spital nu-mi dadea anxietate.
De momentele in care culoarea rosie era doar o culoare.
De momentele in care puteam sa privesc mancarea cu pofta.
De momentele in care ma puteam privi in oglinda fara sa vad o fata straina.

Promit sa recuperez toate momentele astea.
Promit sa ma bucur de toate secundele castigate.
Promit sa ma simt din nou intreaga.

Despre IVO'S boutique - pasiunea mea

Cam cu asta ma ocup eu in timpul meu liber si mai putin liber:

IVO'S boutique
www.ivosboutique.com

Apreciem desigur un like cat si sustinerea voastra neconditionata! :D

Sanatate va doresc! :P

About

All the little shits that usually would bother me, well they don't anymore.

Because this thing just made me strong.

Strong when it comes to bullshits.

I just don't care, I'm so fucking empty..I can see myself giving "the look", the look of" wtf is wrong with you telling me about your unhappy shits"?

Your nail broke? Your boyfriend left you? You are bored?! you can't focus? you are tired?!

I just don't give a rats ass about it.

I don't care.

I have bigger issues. Your problems just make me laugh. Hysterically.

I thought I'm bullshit proof.

Till this morning when..the first thing that I see is a picture of you two. Happy.

And all my bullshit proofing went to the drain.

Can't stop sobbing like a little girl.

I knew you were with her. But it was comforting to not know her, see her face.

It was.

Till today. And an angry little voice just tells me over and over again: "she's no even so pretty!"

Yep.

Not even.

But really? I'm I gonna sob like a stupid head all day?
Well..we have bigger fish's to fry.

So fuck it, thank you Universe.
You are a cruel motherfucker!

Coffee please.

Don't bother me.
I just don't care.
Again!
and this time I promise it's for good.

Out!

Cu drag pentru

Incurajarile oricat de bine intentionate ar fi sunt apa de ploaie.
De fapt si de drept nimic nu e mai bun decat traditionalul sut in fund.
Aplicat fireste de catre mine.


Cum spuneam incurajarile sunt apa de ploaie.
Nu ajuta cu nimic.

Ba dimpotriva uneori ma enerveaza groaznic.

"Vai ce curajoasa esti! Tu nu ai nevoie de nimic. Ai sa te faci bine."

Pe dracu' stii tu!

Adica de ce ar trebui sa fiu eu asa de tare si de mare?
Adica sa-mi fie rusine daca imi vine sa plang asa din senin?

Pai de ce?!

Treci tu prin ce trec eu?
Nu, atunci taci.
Uneori e cel mai bine.

Apoi the ultimate one: "La altii e mai rau..Adica gandeste-te ca nu e mai rau."

Da' de unde puica mamii stii tu ca nu e mai rau? Te doare pe tine? E durerea ta?
Adica nu am voie sa ma plang, pentru ca putea fi mai rau?

E indeajuns de rau atat! Si doare! Si daca imi vine sa urlu, am sa urlu.
Sper doar sa nu fii prin preajma cand se va intampla, iar curul tau sensibil sa fie indeajuns de destept incat sa o ia la fuga.

Spunea cineva ca tacerea e de aur.

In cazul unora: Vai ce bine zicea!

Acest post este suma tuturor asa-ziselor "incurajari" de la unii dintre "prietenii" mei.



M*ie! si sa fiti sanatosi!

Prima zi din noua mea viata

Nu mai vreau sa fiu intrebata daca sunt bine.

Nu, nu sunt bine si nu vreau sa zambesc fortat si sa mint cu lucidate spunand cum ca as fi..doar ca tu sa te simti mai bine.

De asemenea nu, nu vreau sa-ti povestesc prin ce trec, pentru ca sigur nu ai intelege.

Si sigur nu ti-as povesti tie, un strain ca sa-ti alimentez curiozitatea morbida.

E o experienta pe care aleg sa o traiesc in singuratate.

Ma lupt cu demoni, in chip de bluze fara nasturi, pentru ca nu le pot imbraca singura.

Ma lupt cu durerea din brat si durerea din oglinda.

Ma doare sa vad cicatricea mare din piept.

Ma doare si simt cum revolta, furia, neputinta imi ajung in gat si as vrea sa tip cat ma tin plamanii.

Am plans in hohote, cu sughituri, m-am razboit cu mine si in final mi-am revenit.

Mi-am sters lacrimile si m-am dat jos din pat.

In fiecare zi incerc sa nu ma gandesc foarte departe in viitor.

S-ar putea sa fie unul pe care nu mi l-am imaginat niciodata in noptile nedormite.

Refuz insa sa cred ca voi pleca fara sa fi cunoscut macar o data rostul unei relatii, unei imbratisari si sentimentul ca mi-am gasit perechea.

Pe acel el construit doar pentru mine.

Refuz sa cred ca nu voi avea un copil pe care sa-l zapacesc cu ideile si dragostea mea.

Refuz sa cred ca nu voi mai vedea si alte locuri din lume, sau gusta alte traditii, mancaruri, sau vedea alte plaje sau mari.

Refuz cu inversunare sa cred ca eu nu am viitor.

Asa ca ma lupt cu mine, cu bluzele fara nasturi, cu noptile fara somn, cu durerea si cu intrebarile.

Nu, nu sunt bine.

Dar voi fi.

My person

I want my people.

I want my person.
The one I can call in the middle of night for any stupid reason with no shame.

I want that.
I want to just feel I have at least one person like that.

end of story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCsZLQdPoR4

No breeze

Whenever I am with somebody, anybody they tend to get the worse or the best of me.
I heard sometimes it can get warm, like an ocean breeze nothing disturbs, there's no arguments, they are no conflicts.

Depending on the people you surround yourself with you can become a different person because you reflect them, they are your mirrors.

Most of the people I have in my life tend to reflect just a side of me; the one I'm more familiar with, most comfortable with.

So I guess I am just looking for people that bring out that in me, that are bringing the one self that I am most aware of.

I had the worse and I had the best in me brought to light, I never had an half way situation, I never had the comfortable situation, the ocean breeze.
I just go out for the extremes, not sure why, not sure how I do that. But I put myself in these kind of situations because that is what familiar is to me.

The thing is that I wish I could just find the person that brings just the normal, friendly ocean breeze me at the surface.

The thing is I couldn't find that, I found crazy, cucu crazy, boring to hell, and all of that. Never did I find the breeze.
Nobody brought the breeze to light in me.

And that is just sad. Because I bet my comfortable, friendly, normalish self is to die for.

I guess I can't reflect just half of myself in others, maybe I'm just that the best or the worse of me.

I'm no breeze.